The Story of Judas Asparagus

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell 

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In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there

was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible

says,'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a

lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and

someone did. Then God made the world. He split the

Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,

but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't

been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating

one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden

of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in though,

because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son,

 Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for

Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a

good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah

built a large boat and put his family and some animals

on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they

said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau,

because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange

for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph

who wore a really loud sports coat. Another

important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of

Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God

sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues

included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or

covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just

thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy

mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua

who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua

fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over

on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got

to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon who had about

300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says

he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league

prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was

swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but

I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.

Jesus is the star of The New Testament.  He was

born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always

saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born

in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of

fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many

arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the

Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The

worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil

that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards

and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus

on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick

up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back

to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back

at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold

in the book of Revolution. 
 ~  Nothing bad will happen if you don't, but if you

pass this delightful story on you'll make someone

LAUGH, Christian or not, today and they'll keep

spreading the laughter by sending it on and on! 

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