In the
beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says,'The
Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a
lot older
than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
someone
did. Then God made the world. He split the
Adam and
made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been
invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating
one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden
.....Not sure what they were driven in though,
because
they didn't have cars. Adam and
Eve had a son,
Cain, who
hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty
soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the
next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah
built a
large boat and put his family and some animals
on it. He
asked some other people to join him, but they
said they
would have to take a rain check.
After Noah
came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was
more famous than his brother, Esau,
because
Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph
who wore a
really loud sports coat. Another
important
Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
Egypt and away
from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten
plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti.
Then he
gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your
neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just
thought of
one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was
the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the
battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the
town. After Joshua came David. He got
to be king
by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a
son named Solomon who had about
300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says
he was
wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After
Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed
by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some
minor league prophets, but
I guess we
don't have to worry about them.
After the
Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is
the star of The New Testament. He was
born in
Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
mom is always
saying to
me, 'Close the door! Were you born
in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
During His
life, Jesus had many
arguments
with sinners like the Pharisees and the
Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The
worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was
a great man. He healed many leopards
and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick
up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways,
Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back
at the end
of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the
book of Revolution.
~ Nothing bad will happen if you don't, but if you
pass this delightful story on you'll make someone
LAUGH, Christian or not,
today and they'll keep
spreading
the laughter
by sending it on and on!
~
