~ Funny Seniors ~

Seniors Can Be Funny At Times

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(( FUNNY ))

Just For Fun!

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VACATION PLANS!

~      ~         My 2013 Vacation Plans, in case you want to join me….   I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.  It's an age thing.  They tell me it is very wet and damp there.  ~  Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.  From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!  ~  Do you want to go on this vacation with me?   ~    ~

How Asparagus Was Named

One Great Oldie Worth Repeating!

  

  

A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!)
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Just Shoot Me!

I Give Up, So 

Just Shoot Me Now

  

  

If you are feeling ill

  

and don't think

  

you could possibly

  

feel any worse,

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 ? 

[ SAD NEWS ]

SAD NEWS FOR SKIER LINDSEY VONN

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Just weeks ago, Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn tore the anterior cruciate ligament and medial collateral ligament in her right knee and fractured her tibia during a harrowing ski accident in Schlamding, Austria.

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Vonn was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital in Schladming.

  

  

Concerned that she wouldn’t be ready for the 2014 Winter Olympics, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced today that her spot on the U.S. Olympic Team would be filled by Barack Obama.

  

  

U.S. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the spot on the team because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.

 

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A New Word?

Have You Heard Of

Any Seniors Using

This New Word?

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And by the way, who decided 

that a Senior starts at 55?

  

  

Redneck Mouse Trap

Something SO Simple, 

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Who Would Have Thunk It?

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A Redneck Mouse Trap

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You Just Need Large 

Bucket Half Filled 

With Water & Bleach,

A Plastic Coke Bottle 

Using Any Stiff Wire 

Drilled Through The

Center Of Cap And 

Bottom, Plus A Scrap 

Of Wood For A Ramp. 

Smear Some Cheese Or 

Peanut Butter Around 

Center Of The Bottle 

And It's Set To Catch 

A Bunch Of Rodents!

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High School Football Game

This is a statement that was 

read over the PA system at 

the football game at Roane 

County High School, Kingston, Tennessee, by school principal, 

Jody McLeod, in Sept. 1, 2000.

  

 

"It has always been the custom at Roane County 

High School football games, to say a prayer and play 

the National Anthem, to honor God and Country."

Due to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, 

I am told that saying a Prayer is a violation 

of Federal Case Law. As I understand the 

law at this time, I can use this public facility

  

  

to approve of sexual perversion and call it "an
alternate life style, "and, if someone is offended, 

that's OK.

I can use it to condone sexual promiscuity, 

by dispensing condoms and calling it, "safe sex." 

If someone is offended, that's OK.

I can even use this public facility to 

present the merits of killing an unborn baby 

as a "viable" means of birth control. 

"If someone is offended, no problem...

I can designate a school day as "Earth Day" 

and involve students in activities to worship 

religiously and praise the goddess, 

"Mother Earth", and call it "ecology.."

I can use literature, videos and presentations in 

the classroom that depicts people with strong, 

traditional Christian convictions as "simple minded, 

ignorant and call it enlightenment.."

However, if anyone uses this facility to 

honor GOD and to ask HIM to bless this 

event with safety and good sportsmanship, 

then Federal Case Law is violated.

This appears to be inconsistent at best, 

and at worst, diabolical. Apparently, we are 

to be tolerant of everything and anyone, 

except GOD and HIS Commandments.

Nevertheless, as a school principal, 

I frequently ask staff and students
to abide by rules with which they 

do not necessarily agree. For me to do
otherwise would be inconsistent at best, 

and at worst, hypocritical. I suffer from that 

affliction enough unintentionally. I certainly 

do not need to add an intentional transgression.

For this reason, I shall "Render unto Caesar 

that which is Caesar's,"
and refrain from praying at this time.

" However, if you feel inspired to honor, 

praise and thank GOD and ask HIM,
in the name of JESUS, to bless this event, 

please feel free to do so.. But as far as I know, 

that's not against the law--yet."

One by one, the people in the stands bowed their heads, 

held hands with one another and began to pray.

They prayed in the stands. 

They prayed in the team huddles. 

They prayed at the concession stand 

and they prayed in the Announcer's Box!

The only place they didn't pray was in the 

Supreme Court of the United
States of America-the Seat of

"Justice" in the "one nation, under GOD."

Somehow, Kingston, Tennessee, remembered what 

so many have forgotten. We are given the Freedom

OF Religion, not the Freedom FROM Religion. 

Praise GOD that HIS remnant remains!

JESUS said, "If you are ashamed of ME before men, 

then I will be ashamed of you before my Father"

If you are not ashamed, pass this on .

I'm not one bit ashamed to pass this on, are you?  

THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!

GOD BLESS EVERYONE WHO READS THIS 

AND PASSES IT ON.

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